A message to S.

I want to have peaceful life with everyone - starting from you to my child to parents and family and even the strangers on the bus. 

Peaceful I mean I want that people love to see my face. I want them to desire meeting me and even ask for it .. I want them to remember their time with me! 

I am drained and worn down by the idea that I could only and did only provide the opposite! This is not what I wanted to do! How I wish my life to be isn't what I'm doing now! I'm dying here between these two ideas! One; Am I either a crybaby, a loser boy or two am I right! Is it true that by missing what you want to do and giving up on your own personal pleasure you are becoming a tough guy or like a macho male? What regular type life a regular fella might want? What is the volume of actually doing your action item list compared to taking part of the action item list of others?! They once said - we don't get everything we want! 

Thinking too much results in pain and uncomfortableness. People need something to do everyday to keep going and be happy' You have a strict routine that I amazes me! I am proud of it and I envy you! Your life is set by rules that are unbreakable. Everyday you see family and they also want to see you! You have a tea party almost everyday and you live *in your element* - that's priceless! 

Each individual lives in a race like this where they do what makes them *in thier element* - they feel like they belong and fit in a certain community.

How about myself? Why can't you belong? - I want .... I honestly truely want ...

This happiness people get by being in their element I get from feeling appreciated - listented to - by feeling important and desired to be met and seen! But, hey! Let me tell you a secret!

I usually come accross as unapproachable! Somehow I tell an unverbal message which says "avoid me" 

People throw pennies and cents on you at the beginning of any relationship and you have to throw some pennies and cents back to them but since you leave these pennies and cents on the floor people get the message! You become unapprochable

Knowing myself that much is fascinating but all this has to be put to use! In other words! Tell me what can I do? I am wondering what is the answer!
Sometimes I feel people avoid opening a conversation with me for two reasons! They may think that I am unapprochable or won't sync with them! 
I do have this feeling that poeple see me as arrogant humiliating them by just an eye contact! Damn this feels so bad when I am not doing it on purpose and at the same time I didn't get this confirmed by anyone! People then take aggressive actions accordingly by being rude directly or indirectly just by feeling that I am not enjoying my time time with them!
Think about it .. could I be wrong?