TCaireneahmed

Perhaps I brought myself into this! It is not in my hand now to change the past. It was a very unusual past. How many steps I took in order to come here?  I don’t know!! What did I do to bring myself here? I still don’t know. Maybe it was rooted in me. Maybe I triggered it, or something triggered it!!  I can confidently say that I  have both personalities - I am the weak and mighty - I am the desperate hopeless and the independent alpha. But which one manifests himself? Sadly the first is the one that people recognize!  That is me! It could be a horrible tragedy but as I know for sure! Nothing remains the same.  When you have a low self-esteem it’s awful.  People will sense it as if you were a comedy movie they would love to watch OR turn off violently and reject being around … believe me you won’t enjoy the experience. Listen!!! NOBODY likes the weak and needy unless they are mentally ill, depressed, rejected and broken too. People are also desperate for a...

 people are different. For example I appreciate and value the big talks so so so much!  That's why any small talk - fun talk or whatever of that sort is a big no to me!  Big no means! I wouldn't enjoy doing it neither feel okay about it even from the inside! In a nutshell I would disresepect and look down at it! This is the one and only reason I don't usually be cheerfull. I remember in the past as a child - I didn't regard playing and having hell a lot of fun as I used to see other children doing an activity I am attracted to. On the contrary; having fun was like wasting time in my world! I even felt like it was a sin.  And this is because I value the big talk and deep concepts more than whatever else! I see this putting me in much truoble with the reality. I will have to prove myself right and do really stand for a huge thing and teach the world something otherwise I wouldn't feel the appreciation or even enjoy the silly things that already make the vast majority ...

 I wonder what is it like to be respected? Because I haven’t experienced that! Maybe I did but I couldn’t feel the actual sense of it because I suffer from inferiority complex.  People either disrespect me or fear being around me and give me all the space to be alone. Either way it’s awful and degrading.  Minors or even elders don’t share respect with me as if I am not qualified to get their respect! I can tell what is in their head - imagine you have a teacher who is a doormat that does not have the charisma. This is the story short. But deep inside I feel like I qualify to be an alpha male mighty charismatic with all the superior traits a man can have!