THE VALUE

Perhaps I brought myself into this! It is not in my hand now to change the past. It was a very unusual past.

How many steps I took in order to come here? I don’t know!! What did I do to bring myself here? I still don’t know. Maybe it was rooted in me. Maybe I triggered it, or something triggered it!! 

I can confidently say that I have both personalities - I am the weak and mighty - I am the desperate hopeless and the independent alpha. But which one manifests himself? Sadly the first is the one that people recognize! 

That is me! It could be a horrible tragedy but as I know for sure! Nothing remains the same. 

When you have a low self-esteem it’s awful. 

People will sense it as if you were a comedy movie they would love to watch OR turn off violently and reject being around … believe me you won’t enjoy the experience. Listen!!! NOBODY likes the weak and needy unless they are mentally ill, depressed, rejected and broken too. People are also desperate for affirmation and society’s validation. They would rather latch on a strong shield to protect them too. Rejection happens because people need a balanced relationship. You want to take but you also give. With low-self esteem you will only ask for validation and support. 

Low self-esteem results in being rejected and not being a point of attraction at all. This isn't what you want to happen to you!! Nobody wants! 

I don’t need to know why or how I am the person I am now, what matters most is the truth! Who am I now and what should I do?! 

It’s self destructive to think of the negative emotions let alone articulate them! 

It feels like I am unconsciously doing it. It’s something I have been doing to myself for years.

I feel that my chest is physically fragile - or almost broken. I get disrespected and rejected and ignored every other day! 

I am very tired of it but I am still cursed by being myself. I feel like I owe people to disrespect me! As if I am a masochist. 

Writing this feels like a sin I can’t help but doing it - I have been writing many letters like this one! I used to tell myself; Hey!! Never admit your fears! Keep it a secret! Nobody will realize who you really are! But at the same time! I DO realize how much the TRUTH is pre-eminent and admired! TRUTH is like finding GOD after a mental spiritual fatiguing search. There are endless stories like mine! What is the hold up?
They are respected and heard. A man gets on his feet only when he is honest and clear!

I really question myself why being a coward and hide from my true self? Tons of stories and lives like mine

are brought to light and everybody likes them. 

 

What am I plagued with? What is my illness God 

Ya Allah help me out .. hear me out .. I am a hopeless needy servant of yours .. God, would it be so terrible to light the way up for me? 

I need to feel my chest healed and my voice heard and my name mentioned with honor and dignity. 

My life needs small successes. I lack seeing a little tiny bit of success. Of course I do have but I have a deep wound that aches my chest. I can only taste it .. perhaps I need many more new little successes in order to cover the wound and forget it even ever existed. 

What I really care about is my image before my son. He has to see a respectful man in order to follow me and like me. I found that the truth is the most accepted and attractive thing on earth. Whether it was the truth about yourself or whatsoever truth. People respect and like it. If you were weak say you are fucking weak BUT know the KNOW HOW. Don't expect just to say whatever you have in mind! You might be heading for the rocks if you were unaware of the KNOW HOW

Elhamdulillah I have my parents around. I am gifted a little newborn baby of 4 months. I have my beautiful with beside me. I earn money my own and I have a job. If I lost a job I believe I can have another. 

Maybe I should focus on the good things only because I truly felt better by just writing the blessings I am gifted from Allah just here the lines above. And I feel like it immediately  changed my vision on myself. 

Elhamdulillah once more.