steps and reality

 people are different. For example I appreciate and value the big talks so so so much! 
That's why any small talk - fun talk or whatever of that sort is a big no to me! 
Big no means! I wouldn't enjoy doing it neither feel okay about it even from the inside! In a nutshell I would disresepect and look down at it!

This is the one and only reason I don't usually be cheerfull. I remember in the past as a child - I didn't regard playing and having hell a lot of fun as I used to see other children doing an activity I am attracted to. On the contrary; having fun was like wasting time in my world! I even felt like it was a sin. 
And this is because I value the big talk and deep concepts more than whatever else!

I see this putting me in much truoble with the reality. I will have to prove myself right and do really stand for a huge thing and teach the world something otherwise I wouldn't feel the appreciation or even enjoy the silly things that already make the vast majority of people happy!

I see that I am a doormat - YES - I am a doormat ... what else would I call it? 
That's the truth! I have a very low self worth - I can't stand for myself because I don't value myself - I don't much like myself either!

I remember I had two times in my life when I really truelly genuinely valued, trusted, liked, and felt self-worth. 
One was when I learned about Islam my religion I love. I used to believe in what I know and felf proud to tell about it. The best part is that I used to know how to tell about it. It was like finding and owning a treasure. You sleep at night feeling safe that your knowledge is protection and warmth. 
Two is when I used to be an athlete! I practiced with love - I loved the whole process. I loved doing it and preparing for it and going for it and coming home back from it, I loved talking about it. 

Most importantly I did these two things right. 
Steps and steps and steps. I loved the process. I lived the process. It was made right. 
Small goals were achieved and I didn't even set the goal. I saw the result. 
I learned about Islam and discovered that I can talk about it. 
I was eloquent. People were all ears! they were like WOW here with this guy we can really have a conversation!

With sports I didn't set goals. Goals were achieved along the way automatically just by not giving up. 
I discovered that I am stronger, much smarter, faster, better speaker, and more energetic. 

Now, this can't be all gone and left back somewhere in my memery. I don't want to forget it. 
I even want to relive it. 

Steps and steps and steps! I want to start small just in order to enjoy a small activity that I already know and love! 
I want to feel the self appreciation. I want to make small successes. 
Everything has to start small. 

Well, I am proud to write this and I want to keep writing .... if you liked it please talk to me about it that would be better than keeping it here in the dark, bring it to the light and make it alive, it will make us alive. 


A.D - For B-S 21-03-23