CLARITY

 In 19th of April 2019 I was working with my dad when I felt a mild cramp in my hand muscles. 

I panicked and thought that I had masculer dystrohy. My three cousins do have it. It's probably carried in my family genes. 

I remember that I lived a very hard time since then believing that I am a crippled man by the coming few years. It was horrible. I was practicing sports during that time around 5 times a week. 

I couldn't imagine myself losing my abilities and strength. 

Days passed by and I was at home with my homemate. He was introvert and big on deep thinking. 

He said I believe you are INTJ just like me; "I am an INTJ" I said OK whatever it is! I didn't much care.

Days passed by and I started to get into a series of hardships. Lack of communication, lack of interest in people, social anxiety, low self esteem. Actually no self esteem at all. I decided to take the persoality test and the result was that I am INTJ. The guy was right. I started to know more about myself, accept myself and like myself. I even felt proud that I am myself. I found out more; I learned that I am an empath. 

I am a person who have a paranormal ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of others. 

Nobody is born a saint. We make mistakes. I don't like my mistakes. Even if I said it's ok! I don't still like them. 

I don't know why I write! Maybe I try to escape from the reality because I am writing now at the school lobby probably I am trying to avoid peopling with people because I have got enough of peopling today! Maybe I am trying to prove to myself that I am successful at something which is writing while I am not! Or maybe I am! I already hate this defeatist attitude. This is actually cry for help! I already know that I won't get no help even if I am asking for it not because people don't want to help but because they don't know how. 

In order to command respect you have to stop believing that you need it. Just let go. LET GO!!

Do not even think that you need any change. Think this way: I AM OKAY - YOU ARE OKAY!

We are fine! Hoewever some things may need a closer look! If one does not have a clan, then they must join find themselves one! Man has to be a member of a clan group! Alone we never win. People will physically, emotionally ostracize you. 

You are nothing. Only believing in yourself is what carries you on your feet. Know that without your friends, family, loved ones, money, knowledge, fitness, pets, fortress, or weapons you are nothing. A man alone weighs nothing and can never survive. Agony will simply drive you to kill yourself. 

I just wonder what will I get by knowing all what I am puking here on paper as if I have discovered the wheel. 

I always wanted to write. I wrote many letters like this. Longer and shorter than this. But, I always critizise myself and don't find value in my work. So I tell myself that I won't have no audiance. On the other hand, the more I talk to people and know more about them, the more I find people that are in a status that is even worse than me. People who are unable to generate at least a single idea. For that reason I find hope in my poor self.  

Actually when I sit to read a book. I just sit to read a book! I don’t judge the writer or think about how boring he could be in real life or how he\she have a pigeon toes or a poor body posture. I just value the written work. I sometimes ask myself!! Will I become a real writer oneday? 

Well well well, back to our topic. I found out about empaths and I learned that I am an empath. I learned about the cognitive functions and the enneagram and the big five. Knowledge is warmth in the cold days of ignorance. Believe me dude, ignorance is worse than death. 

The biggest dilemma is that I am a doormat with some people and a huge fort with others that they can’t even look at. I can not tell who am I — I honestly do not know. 

I ask myself why do I feel awkward in public! It's not just any "public area" it's only when I am in a place I know! I am awkward at work, with family, maybe acquaintances. But, with total strangers I be in my best element. I think it's because I lose the tust in myself after a while or maybe I believe that people don't like me. Or maybe because I feel attacked and I don't feel safe in these zones. However I repeat again - with total strangers I am at my best. 

I discovere that people receive words differently. If someone told me something it feels like echo. It feels like a drop of ink in clear water that will ruin the whole environment of the glass of water forever. Words to me are like a bullet in the head so I always pay attention. However, I see others who never care when you tell them anything. I told the teacher today that two students in your class are hugging. The lady never cared, she said what can I do "let them hug hocam" I was like daaaaaaaaaaamn! What? We are in a school lady, It is not even a public place let alone a bedroom! Well, I started to question myself, what if the same teacher told me that two students are hugging in my class. I would have had my day ruined. I would ask myself questions like; should I have more control over these couple? should I punish them? should I apologize to the teacher? should I call the students' parents? My waters would be black inked. I am only awkaward around the people that I know or half know! I honestly don't know why! It is totally a reason of my self confidence. I feel like I am not accepted, not liked, so my brain translates "avoid them dude, they already don't like you". When I was a child I never thought life would be this complicated. I always thought everything gets better when we are older. 

I love to enjoy the little things. I watch sitcoms and I read Chuck Palahniuk and Charles Bukowski. I exercise and I love watching ants walking randomly. 

All I want is peace of mind. Isn't that what anyone would want already! Free time in the evening when I can practice sports on my old body. I am 29 years old by now. It's a great feeling right after exercising. Reborn, coming from the dead, it is like finding God. Resurrected.

Today is the first day after May the first. It was a beautiful holiday combined with the weekend. I did straberry jam today.  

If my father had writings like me defeatist and depressing like this, I wouldn’t prefer to read them. I better burn my writings to the ground. Before my son reads them oneday. I do not want my son to know such attributes about me. 

there is a truth that lives. there is a truth that dies. I do not know which is which. so, never mind.